oh boy!

Dr. Strong only had the ultrasound machine on my belly for about five seconds when he said, do you want to know the gender? Uh, yea!

He moved the pointer to a little speck between the legs and typed, B-O-Y. It's official, for sure, no doubts, a little man!

And although he was eager to show us his boy parts, little man peanut was not so eager to show us his face! He's all curled up in a ball in there, legs up in his chest, ankles crossed, chin down, just growing away! But it was so neat to see his inner workings, and so far, everything looks great!

We celebrated by going out to dinner and then telling our parents the big news. Everyone is just as excited as we are and can't wait to start shopping!

It was very surreal to see peanut inside me. I have not felt him move yet so it was totally crazy to see an entire little person on the screen and know that he is dependent on my body for all his needs.

Oh, I hope he is just like his daddy!

new life

The thought of new life, especially in such a season of turmoil, is exhilarating. What a merciful, loving God. What a precious gift.

We are so excited about this little one, it's hard to stop smiling sometimes. It's been a wonderful few months, acting in every way like first time expecting parents.

We're calling the baby peanut for now, which seems to suit it just fine.

We've told our family, our friends, and just about anyone else who would listen. We've talked about names, made a few trips to Babies R Us, planned a nursery, read books, taken pictures of my growing belly, celebrated, prayed, researched, and shopped. What a sweet, sweet time in our marriage and family.

I had a very typical first trimester, with some morning sickness, exhaustion, and cravings.

Adam teased me in the beginning because he caught me eating Cheez-Its for breakfast. For about two weeks, they were just about the only thing I could manage to keep down. I even ate them in the bathtub one time. There is nothing better for a nauseated pregnant woman than a warm bath, Norah Roberts, and Cheez-Itz. All at the same time.

He told all the guys at work that he was going to have to buy stock in Cheez-It. I've been teased ever since. And even though I still like the little orange crackers, my diet is much more balanced. I'm eating a variety of nutritious foods and no longer throwing any of them up. :)

We've had several ultrasounds along the way, and I will never get tired of seeing that little one in my belly. Such life, such a miracle. I am so in love.

The big ultrasound is this Friday. We will be able to see all the organs up close, which I'm anxiously anticipating! And we'll get to see what's between our little peanut's legs!

Here's a few shots of my growing belly!

Not yet really showing at 8 weeks. The nursery is a work in progress behind me. Adam installed the fancy trim and beadboard just after we found out that we were expecting.

Ah yes, growing already at 16 weeks here! This will be the last time I post pictures of bare skin on the internet.

I've popped out even more since then .... at almost 19 weeks I'm really, really starting to look like there's something in there!

happy birthday, blaker man!

Today, little brother, you would have been 24 years old. I wish you could have been with us in person as we ate sushi in your honor. I miss you like crazy. Happy birthday.

so proud

Adam and my Dad did the Ten for Texas today and did great! I'm so proud of them both! Although I am still running some (and walking!), peanut and I opted out of the 10-miler this year. We cheered them on instead!

Congratulations, babe!

two pink lines

I found out I was pregnant on July 3. It was one of the coolest days of my life.

I had a feeling that there was a little something going on and had even told my friend Kathryn that I thought I might be pregnant the Sunday before ...

Well, Wednesday came along, and nothing to prove me otherwise.

Then Thursday, then Friday, then Saturday. And I finally gave in to the crazy urge to buy a few tests. I made a trip to Walgreens and brought the box home. Adam was out of town.

I peed, and there they were: the two pink lines.

Even though I had had a feeling, SHOCK is the most accurate word to describe how I felt.

I knelt by my bed, EPT stick in hand, and prayed. Thank you, God, for this.

I drank a bunch of iced tea and took a second test about two hours later. Again, two pink lines.

I cried. Jumped up and down. Prayed again. And then I called my friend Kathryn to tell her the news.

I had to tell someone! My husband was out of town, not due back until late that night!

Kat and I made a trip to Target, where she bought me this:

And where we picked up a box of digital pregnancy tests. I took another one in the bathroom of Target, just to make sure that two different brands, um, agreed on my situation.

And where I bought Adam a little welcome home present. And when he got home from Colorado around midnight that night, this is how he found out:

my own understanding

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

My mantra, for today.

It is my understanding that fails. I cannot trust it at all.

I'm back to blogging and don't really know where to begin. I thought about abandoning the whole idea after such a long absence, but there are so many things happening these days - some wonderful, some difficult - that I want to record, remember, contemplate, and share. So, I think I'll come back.

I have not blogged since the loss of my brother. He died on January 21, 2010.

I sat down several times to write and always discarded my work for one reason: the words felt so dull. It was as if they were not alive enough, good enough, rich enough, true enough, to describe what was happening. So I quit trying. I wrote letters to Blake instead and somehow that was more comforting and carried less pressure.

I could probably write a book about the things I've been through since losing my brother to suicide. If you've ever been there, you know what I mean. To be completely cliche, it's a roller coaster of emotions. Different trials every day. I won't try to catch-up here, or backtrack to explain every valley and mountain since that night.

The truest theme through all this is explained in one simple question.

Who, then, is my God?

Because He is not who I thought He was. Now before you Bible Beaters get all Sunday School on me, have hope. Don't judge. I'm not saying that I don't believe. I'm not saying I don't worship. I'm not saying I don't love. But the person I thought God was, the image I had in my soul of the One I loved before ... that image is gone. So how to believe now? How to worship now? How to laugh and love and move on now? My world was upside down. Maybe it still is. And I've come to the conclusion over the last eight months, two weeks, and three days that it's okay to be here. It's simply, where I am.

And even more important, it's making me stronger. I no longer believe in a god of good fortune, a santa clause in the sky, one who makes all things happy. No.

There is a God. Yes, my friends, there is a God! But He lets horrible things happen and I don't know why. He does not make sense to me, that's for damn sure.

He also creates beauty from ashes, and all good things. He is creating new life inside of me, physically and spiritually, and this blows me away as well.

In fact, it's the dichotomy that perplexes me the most. If I give God credit for all things - if all things are His - under His dominion, His control, His rule - then one God, the same God, a God who never changes and never fails, allowed my brother to die and gave me a baby.

Total defeat. Indescribable joy. Just one God.

Do you remember after hurricane Ike, when no one had power? We were powerless for 15 days at our house. Even though it was September, and the temperatures had been in the triple digits for weeks, we had beautiful, cool weather in those few days after the storm. Everyone stayed outside because the days were so pretty and we had now electricity. I heard people all over saying, "thank the Lord for this beautiful weather, what a gift!" I was talking to a friend about this and she said, "if we're going to thank the Lord for the beautiful weather, we have to also thank him for the hurricane."

It is these things that I ponder. In my celebration and in my grief.

I know that I have to declare His goodness, even in total despair.

Believe that He is righteous, even when I want to change the past.

Know that He is present, even when I feel alone.

Trust Him, even when I don't understand.

If this means that I worship through tears and pray through anger, so be it.

I look at my dad and shake my head, saying, I don't know, I can't explain it, but I believe, and I will walk in the truth that He is good.

More to come. It feels good to be back.