happy birthday, blaker man!

Today, little brother, you would have been 24 years old. I wish you could have been with us in person as we ate sushi in your honor. I miss you like crazy. Happy birthday.

so proud

Adam and my Dad did the Ten for Texas today and did great! I'm so proud of them both! Although I am still running some (and walking!), peanut and I opted out of the 10-miler this year. We cheered them on instead!

Congratulations, babe!

two pink lines

I found out I was pregnant on July 3. It was one of the coolest days of my life.

I had a feeling that there was a little something going on and had even told my friend Kathryn that I thought I might be pregnant the Sunday before ...

Well, Wednesday came along, and nothing to prove me otherwise.

Then Thursday, then Friday, then Saturday. And I finally gave in to the crazy urge to buy a few tests. I made a trip to Walgreens and brought the box home. Adam was out of town.

I peed, and there they were: the two pink lines.

Even though I had had a feeling, SHOCK is the most accurate word to describe how I felt.

I knelt by my bed, EPT stick in hand, and prayed. Thank you, God, for this.

I drank a bunch of iced tea and took a second test about two hours later. Again, two pink lines.

I cried. Jumped up and down. Prayed again. And then I called my friend Kathryn to tell her the news.

I had to tell someone! My husband was out of town, not due back until late that night!

Kat and I made a trip to Target, where she bought me this:

And where we picked up a box of digital pregnancy tests. I took another one in the bathroom of Target, just to make sure that two different brands, um, agreed on my situation.

And where I bought Adam a little welcome home present. And when he got home from Colorado around midnight that night, this is how he found out:

my own understanding

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

My mantra, for today.

It is my understanding that fails. I cannot trust it at all.

I'm back to blogging and don't really know where to begin. I thought about abandoning the whole idea after such a long absence, but there are so many things happening these days - some wonderful, some difficult - that I want to record, remember, contemplate, and share. So, I think I'll come back.

I have not blogged since the loss of my brother. He died on January 21, 2010.

I sat down several times to write and always discarded my work for one reason: the words felt so dull. It was as if they were not alive enough, good enough, rich enough, true enough, to describe what was happening. So I quit trying. I wrote letters to Blake instead and somehow that was more comforting and carried less pressure.

I could probably write a book about the things I've been through since losing my brother to suicide. If you've ever been there, you know what I mean. To be completely cliche, it's a roller coaster of emotions. Different trials every day. I won't try to catch-up here, or backtrack to explain every valley and mountain since that night.

The truest theme through all this is explained in one simple question.

Who, then, is my God?

Because He is not who I thought He was. Now before you Bible Beaters get all Sunday School on me, have hope. Don't judge. I'm not saying that I don't believe. I'm not saying I don't worship. I'm not saying I don't love. But the person I thought God was, the image I had in my soul of the One I loved before ... that image is gone. So how to believe now? How to worship now? How to laugh and love and move on now? My world was upside down. Maybe it still is. And I've come to the conclusion over the last eight months, two weeks, and three days that it's okay to be here. It's simply, where I am.

And even more important, it's making me stronger. I no longer believe in a god of good fortune, a santa clause in the sky, one who makes all things happy. No.

There is a God. Yes, my friends, there is a God! But He lets horrible things happen and I don't know why. He does not make sense to me, that's for damn sure.

He also creates beauty from ashes, and all good things. He is creating new life inside of me, physically and spiritually, and this blows me away as well.

In fact, it's the dichotomy that perplexes me the most. If I give God credit for all things - if all things are His - under His dominion, His control, His rule - then one God, the same God, a God who never changes and never fails, allowed my brother to die and gave me a baby.

Total defeat. Indescribable joy. Just one God.

Do you remember after hurricane Ike, when no one had power? We were powerless for 15 days at our house. Even though it was September, and the temperatures had been in the triple digits for weeks, we had beautiful, cool weather in those few days after the storm. Everyone stayed outside because the days were so pretty and we had now electricity. I heard people all over saying, "thank the Lord for this beautiful weather, what a gift!" I was talking to a friend about this and she said, "if we're going to thank the Lord for the beautiful weather, we have to also thank him for the hurricane."

It is these things that I ponder. In my celebration and in my grief.

I know that I have to declare His goodness, even in total despair.

Believe that He is righteous, even when I want to change the past.

Know that He is present, even when I feel alone.

Trust Him, even when I don't understand.

If this means that I worship through tears and pray through anger, so be it.

I look at my dad and shake my head, saying, I don't know, I can't explain it, but I believe, and I will walk in the truth that He is good.

More to come. It feels good to be back.

blankets

Technically, this story isn't mine to tell. It was told by Pastor Larry, and I didn't even hear it from him ... I heard it from someone else. I may not even have all the details just right. But the punchline ... just a few words ... they've been ringing in my ears since I heard them.

A pastor from Uganda, Pastor Richard, came to The Woodlands to visit PL. Old friends, I believe. It had been a very cold week here, below freezing for several days in a row. Plants and pipes were draped with sheets to prevent damage. PL took Pastor Richard out to lunch after church on Sunday and on the way home Pastor Richard stared out the truck window.

"It's amazing," he said. "Even your plants have blankets."

Jesus, open our eyes.

Beyond this place,

our jobs, our schools, our streets, our sickness.

Beyond our friends, our own families,

Fox news, local radio.

Beyond our town

our state

our country.

Across oceans

to places we can't image.

Give us a passion.

A prayer.

A love for the nations.

Make us care, sweet Jesus.

Our plants have blankets.

I'm sure there are many trustworthy organizations through which to donate money to a Haiti relief fund. But here's one that I know, personally, has a love for the nations. www.iamchange.org/haiti

sweet sweet friend

Just got home from a little road trip. In three days, I saw three (four?) small Texas towns and had a blast! I went to Graham for Meredith's baby shower, then to Kerrville to stay with Kathryn. Together, we drove to San Antonio one day and Fredericksburg another day to have some girl time! I lost track of the number of thrift stores we hit, but I picked up several little treasures for the house and searched the clearance rack for "professional attire" for this coming semester. We also shopped for baby clothes... for Kathryn and Mike's baby Kate! :) In fact, aunt Jen bought Kate a giraffe print onesie! With a PINK giraffe on the front! So precious. We went to the movies and splurged on buttered popcorn and Cokes. We cooked a yummy dinner and drank lots of coffee. There was lots of time in the car, tons of great conversation, and we laughed until our cheeks hurt!

I am so thankful for you, sweet Kathryn, and nearly fifteen years of friendship!

Junior high.

Hot rollers. Bangs. Ribbons.

Horseback riding. Red Barn.

I swear, no matter what L & M said, those Breyer horses never, ever moved their heads!

Road trip to Wyoming.

Do you remember when the microwave fell on my head?

High school. Homecoming.

Graduations.

New student orientation. Underwood. Phi Lamb. 8:00 a.m. freshman biology. Football.

Apartment. Roommates. Shakie's.

Falling in love.

Engagements. Weddings.

Houses!

Who knew we inherited our mother's decorating senses... and that we'd love landscaping.

And now, your precious baby girl.

I cannot wait to meet her!

You are so precious to me. I am so thankful for a confidant, a friend, a sister. I love our talks about Jesus, husbands, sins and freedom, fear, clothes, plants, plans, people. Thanks for having me to Kerrville this weekend. I will see you in February!

five christmases

Christmas 2005. Been married for just a few months, we decorated our little apartment with a hand-me-down tree and stockings I bought for $5 each at Kroger. (We still have our Kroger stockings!)
Christmas 2006. First Christmas in a new home. We had friends living with us at the time...

Christmas 2007. Daisy was just a few months old, and we were so nervous she would eat the ornaments! Little did we know she wouldn't start that until this year ...

Christmas 2008. All dressed up for a western Christmas party. Can't believe I don't have any pictures of our tree that year!

And, Christmas of 2009. Merry Christmas!!