Note: I wrote this on September 4, 2013, but hit "save" instead of "publish." On that day, it was a little too raw and a little too real to share with the world. But tonight, January 27, 2014, while going through old blog posts, I ran across it and decided to let it out. :) I want to keep things in chronological order, so the date above is the day it was written, not the day it was made public.
When Luke was born, the shock of his leg was like a gigantic boulder, sitting on my chest and covering my eyes and crushing my head all the time. It was weighty. It was blinding. It was consuming.
It was terrifying.
I have since been able to move that boulder and I am able to breathe, see, and think a little more clearly.
Let me explain.
Luke wears an AFO all day, every day. And yet, I hardly notice it's there anymore.
Sometimes when we're out and about someone will ask me if he "broke his leg" and on several occasions, it's taken me a moment to realize what they were talking about. His AFO is part of his body to me. I don't think about it being different or even visible. I see him, not his leg.
We have a team of a physician, an orthotist, and a physical therapist that we love and that we can call anytime for help. These folks are instrumental in rolling away that boulder, allowing me to focus on being Luke's mama, and not his medical team. I can breathe a little easier knowing that I am not in this alone.
And we have the amazing, unbeatable, unfathomable support of family to help us when we need it. Our family has helped financially, emotionally, and practically so that Luke has everything he needs in order to get through this. I can think about this situation without worrying about how we will make it through.
But there are days - here comes the confession - when that boulder comes right back.
An incident or an instance or just a moment out of seemingly no where when I cannot breathe for the weight on my chest. I cannot see for the rock over my eyes. And I cannot think for the challenges that occupy every part of my brain.
The last twenty-four hours have been like that for me. Luke started having problems last night and our family drops everything to get him to the med center today for an appointment with his specialist. We are being worked-in to this clinic and worked-in to that one because a two year old that can't walk is a big deal.
I was sitting in the orthotist's office today, looking at my son, and there it was. The boulder.
One shoe off, one shoe on. Chowing down on Nilla Wafers. Waiting to be cast for a new AFO.
I looked at his face and couldn't hold back the tears.
This boy is my hero. He is absolutely amazing.
Many will have more trouble in this life than Luke. This is not a pity party. It's not a sob story.
But there are few toddlers who have walked this road. No pun intended.
He is so brave and so strong and so incredible and he doesn't even know it.
He looked right back at me and I think he realized that this was a weighty moment.
"I okay mama."
I know, buddy. I'm okay too.
I am okay because I trust.
I trust the Lord in our lives. I trust His will and His provision and His love. I trust His mercy and His grace. I trust that He is enough.
God did not make a mistake when He formed my son in my womb.
This road we walk, this boulder that hits me square between the eyes -- this was not Plan B.
This was God's will for us! His story for us!
It was his very utmost incredible best for us. And I trust that.
I trust that I am not alone. That we are loved by a God who would never leave us.
I trust that I was meant to be - made to be - Luke's mama. God gave Luke to me on purpose.
It's easy to hold on too tight. For me to let that boulder entrap me and make me feel like I have to control every second of every day like this one. For me to feel an overwhelming urgency to fix this. It's easy to let the heaviness crush my ability to trust Him.
But the love that I have for my son -- it is a gift from God.
The support of our family -- it is a gift from God.
The medical team -- they are a gift from God.
I have seen over and over and over how God provides and cares for us.
So I will choose not to let that big damn rock get in the way of my trust.
I will be a witness to my son so that he can see me trust God with his leg.
There will come a day when he will trust God with his leg, too.
May I be his example.
I am no saint and this is scary. It can be terrifying, really.
Luke has an appointment on Friday and I have a feeling that we will get some news that will be hard to swallow. If not Friday, there will be a day in the near future when I will leave that doctor's office struggling to trust God with my son. But that's okay because the harder it is for me to trust Him in this, the more I will have to trust Him in this. And the more I will have to trust Him in this, the more I will know His unfailing Love in this. And the more I will know His unfailing Love in this, the more I will know Him. Amen.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
brother and sister
Just thought I'd show a little comparison of Luke and Annie each at four months.
Their smiles are just alike. And their little button noses are just adorable to me.
Annie has a longer face than her brother and her hair has always been a little darker.
They were both born with a ton of hair and bald by about 3 months.
They are almost the exact same size at this age, too.
Oh my heart I can't believe I am a mommy to these precious kiddos.
Their smiles are just alike. And their little button noses are just adorable to me.
Annie has a longer face than her brother and her hair has always been a little darker.
They were both born with a ton of hair and bald by about 3 months.
They are almost the exact same size at this age, too.
Oh my heart I can't believe I am a mommy to these precious kiddos.
Monday, September 2, 2013
annie elise: four months
If I thought time went by fast with the first child, I knew nothing. I genuinely cannot believe I am typing a four month post for miss annie.
Annie girl! What a joy you are!
You give me this great big grin every time I look at you!
You are sugar and spice, little miss.
Happy happy happy until you get hungry or tired or put in your car seat.
And then -- whoo! Little temper! It makes me laugh to think of you so young and so opinionated.
Nighttime sleep is still a little unpredictable. Some weeks are great and some not so great. For the last week or so you've slept from about 8 pm to 5 am, nurse for a bit, then go back down until around 8. But sometimes you wake up in the 3 o'clock hour so it's just not very consistent.
You take 3-4 naps a day, depending on length. And just like your brother at this age, you sleep for 30 minutes and then wake. I try to enforce one long nap, even if I have to rock you back to sleep a few times.
You swaddle to sleep but we keep your hands out of the blanket. You find a fist or a few fingers and put them in your mouth to soothe yourself to sleep.
You still breast feed every 2-3 hours during the day and we give you a bottle in the evening when you seem to be a little hungrier than mommy can keep up with.
You are just under 12 pounds and are just starting to wear your 3-6 month clothes. But with your chubby cheeks and thick little legs, you don't look too small!
You love your play mat, your bouncy seat, and being held around the house.
You love your bath and your brother! You will turn your head to follow him across the room.
You hate your car seat and loud noises scare you.
You are not rolling over or even giving me any signs that you will soon.
You seem to be very content laying on your back or your belly and have "no need" to turn!
You fit our family like a glove and I can hardly remember what it was like without you here.
I love you more than I could ever write with words and I truly enjoy watching you grow.
Annie girl! What a joy you are!
You give me this great big grin every time I look at you!
You are sugar and spice, little miss.
Happy happy happy until you get hungry or tired or put in your car seat.
And then -- whoo! Little temper! It makes me laugh to think of you so young and so opinionated.
Nighttime sleep is still a little unpredictable. Some weeks are great and some not so great. For the last week or so you've slept from about 8 pm to 5 am, nurse for a bit, then go back down until around 8. But sometimes you wake up in the 3 o'clock hour so it's just not very consistent.
You take 3-4 naps a day, depending on length. And just like your brother at this age, you sleep for 30 minutes and then wake. I try to enforce one long nap, even if I have to rock you back to sleep a few times.
You swaddle to sleep but we keep your hands out of the blanket. You find a fist or a few fingers and put them in your mouth to soothe yourself to sleep.
You still breast feed every 2-3 hours during the day and we give you a bottle in the evening when you seem to be a little hungrier than mommy can keep up with.
You are just under 12 pounds and are just starting to wear your 3-6 month clothes. But with your chubby cheeks and thick little legs, you don't look too small!
You love your play mat, your bouncy seat, and being held around the house.
You love your bath and your brother! You will turn your head to follow him across the room.
You hate your car seat and loud noises scare you.
You are not rolling over or even giving me any signs that you will soon.
You seem to be very content laying on your back or your belly and have "no need" to turn!
You fit our family like a glove and I can hardly remember what it was like without you here.
I love you more than I could ever write with words and I truly enjoy watching you grow.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
august update
Where has this summer gone?
Oh wait. I know.
It's gone to the pool and the splash pad and the sprinklers.
It's gone to nursing and bouncing and tummy time.
It's gone to date nights (thank God for grandparents) and West Wing marathons.
It's gone to housework and painting and play doh.
It's gone to the mall and to play dates and to Honey's house.
It's gone to a very big project that's still sort of a secret. (More on that later!)
It's gone to mama going back to work. And Annie learning to take a bottle. (That was no easy task.)
It's gone to speech therapy and well child checks and community group.
It's gone to girl's night out and friends from out of town and family trips to Home Depot.
It's been busy and fun and relaxed and hard and easy all at the same time. I've enjoyed that Luke was not in school and that I was not at work (until last week). The end of August brings a little more structure and busyness to our world, and although that's okay, I've really enjoyed our relaxed summertime.
Oh wait. I know.
It's gone to the pool and the splash pad and the sprinklers.
It's gone to nursing and bouncing and tummy time.
It's gone to date nights (thank God for grandparents) and West Wing marathons.
It's gone to housework and painting and play doh.
It's gone to the mall and to play dates and to Honey's house.
It's gone to a very big project that's still sort of a secret. (More on that later!)
It's gone to mama going back to work. And Annie learning to take a bottle. (That was no easy task.)
It's gone to speech therapy and well child checks and community group.
It's gone to girl's night out and friends from out of town and family trips to Home Depot.
It's been busy and fun and relaxed and hard and easy all at the same time. I've enjoyed that Luke was not in school and that I was not at work (until last week). The end of August brings a little more structure and busyness to our world, and although that's okay, I've really enjoyed our relaxed summertime.
Monday, July 15, 2013
instant grandfather
Though Luke and Annie are surrounded by our amazing families, I wanted to dedicate a special post to one man in particular.
This man became a grandparent almost overnight. He and my mom started dating when Luke was just six months old, and they got married a year later. Cramer does not have biological grandchildren but from the very first day, he has loved Luke with a selfless and gentle spirit, as if he came from his very flesh. They share a love for all things motorized and both have a quiet, introverted character.
Luke and Annie will never know a time when "Mamer" was not a grandfather to them. I am so thankful for how he loves us and it blesses my heart to see Luke love him right back.
This man became a grandparent almost overnight. He and my mom started dating when Luke was just six months old, and they got married a year later. Cramer does not have biological grandchildren but from the very first day, he has loved Luke with a selfless and gentle spirit, as if he came from his very flesh. They share a love for all things motorized and both have a quiet, introverted character.
Luke and Annie will never know a time when "Mamer" was not a grandfather to them. I am so thankful for how he loves us and it blesses my heart to see Luke love him right back.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Independence Day
Happy Fourth of July. We started out this morning at the parade in town where Luke enjoyed a bomb pop for breakfast...
...and Annie enjoyed a morning nap.
Later this evening we went to the Martin's for a delicious steak dinner and playtime outside.
I love my handsome boys!
And this one is growing too fast!
Say cheese!
Happy Independence Day!
...and Annie enjoyed a morning nap.
Later this evening we went to the Martin's for a delicious steak dinner and playtime outside.
I love my handsome boys!
And this one is growing too fast!
Say cheese!
Happy Independence Day!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
annie girl - 2 months
(I thought time went by quickly with the first baby. But oh my word it's gone by even quicker this time!)
Annie girl,
You are two months old. This last month has been a bit of a roller coaster, but I think we are finally coming down from the crazy ride. Let's just call it the month-o-reflux. For a while there you were pretty miserable. You cried for about an hour after every single feed. It was awful to watch you arch your back and scream and hold your breath and cough and choke and scream some more.
But hallelujah (seriously, praise Jesus) we have gotten that under control. You're on some pretty good drugs now and your little esophagus is starting to heal. And you are so much happier!
You weigh 10 pounds 6 oz. You wear 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers.
You are nursing so well and I love it!
You take one long nap in the morning, another long nap in the afternoon, and you cat-nap throughout the day between feeds. You eat every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4-5 hours at night. Last night you slept from 10 pm to 5 am (longest stretch yet!) and it made mommy so happy!
You swaddle to sleep, just like Luke did. But you like to fall asleep on my shoulder and you don't use a paci. In that way, you are so different than your brother.
You smile at people when they talk to you, and you smile at the toys hanging from your bouncy seat. You will lay on your play mat for about 10 minutes at a time. You like to be held facing out, so you can see the world! I feel like just overnight you've gone from newborn to infant, and I love to see you awake a little more.
It may be cliche, but words cannot describe how much I love you, how deeply I care for you, and what an amazing little girl you are. Keep growing strong, little baby. We love you.
Annie girl,
You are two months old. This last month has been a bit of a roller coaster, but I think we are finally coming down from the crazy ride. Let's just call it the month-o-reflux. For a while there you were pretty miserable. You cried for about an hour after every single feed. It was awful to watch you arch your back and scream and hold your breath and cough and choke and scream some more.
But hallelujah (seriously, praise Jesus) we have gotten that under control. You're on some pretty good drugs now and your little esophagus is starting to heal. And you are so much happier!
You weigh 10 pounds 6 oz. You wear 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers.
You are nursing so well and I love it!
You take one long nap in the morning, another long nap in the afternoon, and you cat-nap throughout the day between feeds. You eat every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4-5 hours at night. Last night you slept from 10 pm to 5 am (longest stretch yet!) and it made mommy so happy!
You swaddle to sleep, just like Luke did. But you like to fall asleep on my shoulder and you don't use a paci. In that way, you are so different than your brother.
You smile at people when they talk to you, and you smile at the toys hanging from your bouncy seat. You will lay on your play mat for about 10 minutes at a time. You like to be held facing out, so you can see the world! I feel like just overnight you've gone from newborn to infant, and I love to see you awake a little more.
It may be cliche, but words cannot describe how much I love you, how deeply I care for you, and what an amazing little girl you are. Keep growing strong, little baby. We love you.
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